Taming Anxiety – Managing the Cognitive Aspect and Developing Self-Leadership

At its core, anxiety is an internal battle—a constant push and pull between your conscious self and fear-driven responses. Over time, and when repeated, fear often wins, pushing your body and mind into survival mode. The cycle is insidious: you begin to distrust your feelings, question the intensity of your emotions, and eventually swing between extremes—feeling everything all at once or feeling nothing at all, completely shutting down.

This internal struggle creates a pattern where anxiety becomes your automatic response, often hijacking your ability to make clear judgments. Instead of listening to your body or your inner truth, you may try to "think" your way into or out of your emotions—attempting to control the uncontrollable. The fear response takes over, making it difficult to separate what's real from what's imagined, and amplifying insecurities.

Anxiety loves this cycle, feeding on every overreaction or dismissal of your own emotional signals. That’s why it's crucial to first reduce the fuel that anxiety thrives on before tackling the cognitive side of things. Once the anxious fire is quelled, you can begin the real work—regaining leadership over your mind. This is where self-leadership steps in.

Self-leadership allows you to break the cycle by recognizing these fear-based responses for what they are—remnants of past trauma, insecurities, or deep-rooted fears. By practicing self-compassion and creating a healthy internal dialogue, you slowly reclaim your ability to make conscious, empowered choices rather than letting anxiety dictate your life.

In this article, we’ll dive into how you can tame anxiety’s grip by developing self-leadership, understanding your inner narrative, and leading yourself out of the storm.

The internal narrative we tell ourselves can shape our reality. If your internal voice is a ‘Bitchy Becky’ or a ‘Negative Nancy,’ you know exactly what I mean. This relentless, self-critical commentary amplifies your insecurities, turning every small flaw into a storm. These voices are often the fuel for anxiety—intensifying fears and past wounds to keep you locked in a cycle of overthinking and self-doubt.

But here’s the thing: these “sharks” circling your mind, need your compassion. They are not enemies but manifestations of your wounds and traumas, voices of pain asking for your attention. Instead of trying to silence them, nurturing and being kind to them can shift the balance. By extending compassion to these voices, you regain control over your mental space.

Meet Your Inner Coaches

You don’t just have a ‘Bitchy Becky.’ You also have a ‘Best Becky,’ ‘Nicest Nancy,’ or even ‘Martin the Mentor.’ These internal coaches represent your dreams, hopes, and strengths. They are the quiet voices cheering you on, always ready to remind you that you’re more capable than you think. They push you beyond your self-imposed limits and support you in your moments of doubt. The key to managing anxiety lies in listening to these encouraging voices while giving compassion to the fearful ones.

When we fall into self-criticism and let anxiety drive the conversation, we strengthen that internal ‘Bitchy Becky’—feeding into fears and self-doubt. On the flip side, taking action towards our own goals and desires, no matter how small, feeds our inner coach. This is where self-leadership comes in.

Action as Your Friend: Leading Yourself Out of Anxiety

Anxiety thrives on stagnation. It loves when you’re stuck in place, overthinking, and spiralling. Taking even small steps towards your dreams invites self-leadership. When you take action, you shift from being a victim of your own fears to a person who leads with intention. Action empowers your ‘Best Becky’ to take over, guiding you toward what you truly want.

Self-leadership also means recognizing what’s driving your anxiety. Often, our deepest insecurities and fears—feeling unworthy, unlovable, or out of control—are at the root. When anxiety flares up, it’s a sign to dig deeper. What’s Becky trying to tell you? Is she reacting to a feeling of inadequacy? Is she afraid of being hurt again? These insights help you identify where healing and acceptance are needed.

Reframing Your Inner Dialogue

To manage anxiety, start by naming your inner commentary. If ‘Bitchy Becky’ has a lot to say, acknowledge it. By naming it, you create distance between those anxious thoughts and your true self. Becky is not who you are; she’s a representation of your past fears and insecurities, magnified by anxiety.

The trick is not to engage in a debate with Becky but to offer her compassion. You can acknowledge her fears without boarding the ‘Bitchy Becky’ train. It’s a practice of emotional distancing—watching those negative thoughts pass by without letting them define you.

When you give Becky the reassurance and love she needs, you begin to quiet the chaos. You also create space for your inner coach—‘Chris the Coach’ or whoever you need—to step in with encouragement and support. Your internal coach reminds you that you’ve survived tough moments before, and you’ll do it again.

From Survival to Thriving: Becoming the Best Version of You

Surviving anxiety attacks is no small feat. It’s tough, it’s overwhelming, but you’ve made it through. Now, it’s about thriving. The voices in your head—the good and the bad—aren’t going anywhere, but how you respond to them changes everything. You can lead yourself out of the storm by showing compassion to your inner critic and giving power to your inner coach.

So, next time ‘Bitchy Becky’ starts her commentary, say to yourself, “Becky has a lot to say today.” But instead of feeding into her negativity, offer her compassion for her insecurities. And don’t forget to bring in ‘Chris the Coach’—the part of you that knows you’re doing your best, that encourages you, and helps you move forward with strength and grace.

By reframing your internal dialogue and leading yourself with compassion, you can manage anxiety more effectively and step into a life where you are in charge—not anxiety.

Final Thought: Compassion is Your Superpower

At the heart of self-leadership is compassion—both for your insecurities and for the dreams you’re yet to chase. The next time anxiety tries to take over, remember you have the power to lead yourself out of it, step by step. Embrace the best parts of yourself and show kindness to the rest.

It’s time to bring on your inner coach and stop letting anxiety call the shots.