The Voodoo Boyfriend: How Anxiety Distorts Our Relationships

We’ve all been there: you come home from a long day, and the atmosphere feels charged with an unspoken tension. Your partner is upset, or perhaps they’ve walked in with an attitude that’s hard to read. You ask the obligatory “How was your day?” and get a shrug or a curt “fine.” Little do you know, while you were at work, your loved one has been engaged in a battle with the Voodoo Boyfriend—an imaginary version of you created by their anxiety and past relationship wounds. Let’s unpack this phenomenon and explore how to reclaim your relationship from its shadowy grip.

The Basics: What Is the Voodoo Boyfriend?

The Voodoo Boyfriend isn’t a real person but a mental construct filled with all the insecurities, disappointments, and emotional baggage that can accumulate over time. It’s the voice in your partner’s head that amplifies every moment they felt let down by you, every hurt they’ve ever experienced, and all their unresolved issues from past relationships. This distorted version of their partner can create a narrative that feels real, leading to misunderstandings and emotional distance.

Imagine you and your partner have had a stressful week—work pressures, kids acting out, and life’s usual chaos. In moments of anxiety, your partner may begin to envision arguments that never happened, replaying past grievances and fears. They become so consumed with this Voodoo Boyfriend that they end up spending more time arguing with him in their head than actually communicating with you. This internal dialogue can poison the air between you, making it feel like there’s a cloud of dread hanging in your home.

The Consequences: How It Affects Your Relationship

When the Voodoo Boyfriend is running the show, relationships can quickly deteriorate. You may notice your partner seems distant or overly defensive. They might respond to your inquiries with irritation or withdrawal, and you’re left feeling confused, wondering what happened to the loving connection you once shared.

Ever come home and felt the palpable tension in the air? That’s often the result of both partners fighting their inner Voodoo Boyfriends all day long. They’re carrying unexpressed emotions, past grievances, and insecurities that create a charged atmosphere that neither of you can quite put your finger on.

The Solution: Bringing the Voodoo Boyfriend into the Light

The fastest way to defuse the tension created by the Voodoo Boyfriend is to acknowledge his existence. Have you ever thought, “Babe, I’ve been arguing with you all day in my head”? This kind of honesty can shatter the power of that distorted image. Share what your Voodoo Boyfriend has been saying: “In my head, you said this, and I felt hurt.” This open dialogue not only helps you both understand where the anxiety is coming from but also normalizes the experience. I can guarantee that if you’re doing it, your partner likely is too!

It’s crucial to recognize that your Voodoo Boyfriend gets louder when you’re feeling insecure, stressed, or reluctant to ask for help. Instead of ignoring these feelings or projecting them onto your partner, lean into the discomfort. Go to where you’re resisting and take that brave step to communicate.

Encourage each other to speak openly about your fears, insecurities, and the inner dialogue you’ve been battling. This shared vulnerability creates a safe space for both partners to express their needs and feelings, breaking down the barriers that the Voodoo Boyfriend has built.

Embracing Authentic Connection

Ultimately, relationships thrive on authenticity and open communication. By shining a light on the Voodoo Boyfriend, you reclaim your connection and create a healthier dynamic. Remember, it’s not about being perfect; it’s about being real with each other. So the next time you feel that anxiety creeping in, take a moment to acknowledge the Voodoo Boyfriend—because you deserve a relationship grounded in truth, understanding, and love.

 Jess Kolbe