3 Surprising Ways We Avoid Our Feelings (and How to Embrace Them)
Navigating the emotional landscape can feel daunting, especially for women under 40 who are juggling personal ambitions, career aspirations, and social expectations. In the quest for emotional freedom and well-being, many of us inadvertently adopt unconscious protective factors that allow us to sidestep our feelings. These behaviours often develop over time as mechanisms to shield ourselves from discomfort or pain. Here are three surprising ways people do this and what you can do to reclaim your emotional landscape.
1. The Busy Bee: Running on Empty
Many women take on the role of the “busy person in the world,” filling their schedules to the brim with activities, meetings, and obligations. The rationale? Staying busy is a distraction from uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, sadness, or frustration. This approach often develops unconsciously as a way to avoid confronting deeper emotional issues. But while keeping ourselves occupied might provide a temporary escape, it often leads to burnout every few months, leaving you feeling depleted and overwhelmed.
The Side Effect: This constant busyness creates a cycle of exhaustion and emotional numbness. You may find yourself unable to connect deeply with your own emotions or the emotions of others. Instead of feeling fulfilled by your accomplishments, you feel drained and disconnected, as if you're merely going through the motions.
The Solution: Take a step back and prioritize rest. Schedule “me time” into your calendar—whether it’s indulging in a good book, taking a leisurely walk, or simply doing nothing. Allow yourself to feel your feelings, even the messy ones. This is where true healing begins.
2. The Chip on Your Shoulder: Confidence Gone Wrong
Some women cultivate a tough exterior, developing a "chip on their shoulder" mentality as a defence mechanism. This protective behaviour can stem from past experiences that have chipped away at your confidence. The idea is to appear unshakeable and self-sufficient, so you tell yourself that nothing and no one can touch you. But in doing so, you risk building emotional walls that keep others at bay.
The Side Effect: While this façade may project strength, it can isolate you from meaningful connections. When you refuse to let anyone in, you may inadvertently push away the very support you need. As a result, you might feel lonely and misunderstood, with few people to share your vulnerabilities with.
The Solution: Acknowledge that it’s okay to be human—to feel and show your emotions. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it’s a powerful tool for connection. Start by opening up to trusted friends or family members about your feelings. Sharing your struggles can foster intimacy and create deeper bonds.
3. The Emotional Sponge: Chasing Other People’s Drama
In an effort to avoid confronting our own emotions, some women become the “emotional sponge,” diving deep into the feelings of others. This behaviour often develops unconsciously, where you might find yourself constantly helping friends through their crises or always being the listening ear. While being empathetic is a beautiful trait, neglecting your own needs in the process can lead to feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated.
The Side Effect: You may feel like you’re surrounded by people but still experience a profound sense of loneliness. By prioritizing others' issues over your own, you risk losing sight of your needs and desires, becoming the go-to fixer while your own emotional well-being falls by the wayside.
The Solution: Set healthy boundaries. Practice saying no when you feel stretched too thin and take time to check in with yourself. Regularly assess your emotional state and honour your feelings. Carve out time for self-care, whether through journaling, therapy, or indulging in hobbies that bring you joy. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup.
Embracing True Emotional Freedom
True emotional freedom isn’t a polished, pretty process; it’s messy and often chaotic. It’s about acknowledging the highs and lows, the exhaustion, the numbing, and the times when everything feels out of control. When in doubt, focus on your physical symptoms—how does your body feel? Encourage these feelings to be spent, comforted, and soothed as a pathway to emotional release.
Embracing your feelings means allowing yourself to experience life in its entirety, without the need for avoidance. Recognizing these patterns as unconscious protective factors is the first step toward genuine emotional freedom. So, take a deep breath, allow the messiness of your emotions, and start moving toward a more authentic and fulfilling life. After all, you deserve to feel everything—and that includes the joy, the pain, and everything in between.
Jess Kolbe
